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Survive This!

Richard Hatch
Gets Reality Check

Richard Hatch is up a creek without his paddle. The original winner of the original million dollar grand prize from the original edition of 'Survivor' was indicted Thursday by a grand jury on 10 charges, including failure to pay taxes on the $1,000,000 grand prize, as well as other charges including filing a false tax return, wire fraud, bank fraud and mail fraud. Not exactly a good idea to try and outwit, outplay or outlast the federal government!

"But it's MY Money!!
"They gave ME the check!!!"

Hatch "allegedly" filed false tax returns in 2000 and 2001 and failed to report $327,000 in income from hosting a Boston-based radio show. Also, he "allegedly" took another $28,000 he earned from a rental property he owns. Hatch had two accountants prepare tax returns that included his 'Survivor' winnings but did not file them when he learned he would owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes. In 2002, he had one of the accountants prepare a second return that did not include his TV show winnings. He filed that one, which called for a $4,500 refund! That might explain why he enjoys parading around in the nude so much, to display his huge balls!

And if that wasn't bad enough, Hatch also "allegedly" dipped into donations to his charity, Horizon Bound, spending some $36,500 of the funds supposedly allocated to the charity on his personal expenses. In one example, he "allegedly" used a $10,000 donation he received after appearing on NBC's 'The Weakest Link' in order to complete some renovations on his home. The money was intended to go to his charity. Not new chairs in his tea room!

"Was that wrong?!
I really didn't know!"

Hatch originally agreed to plead guilty to the charges, but later backed out of the agreement in March, claiming he believed CBS was responsible for taking care of the taxes on his $1 million Survivor prize. According to his attorneys, Dewey Cheatum & Howe, Hatch believed that he was an employee of CBS during his appearance on 'Survivor', and that they should've withheld his taxes for him. The official response from CBS attorneys was, "Riiiiiight!"

If Hatch is found guilty on all 10 charges, he could face 75 years behind bars and millions of dollars in fines. But there's still a good chance he'll be appearing on the new Fox reality series, "Celebrity Cellblock Makeovers".

"If they want the shirt off my back,
they'll have to find it, first!"

Richard...the grand jury has spoken. You're an idiot.


Richard Hatch was sentenced to 51 months in prison this past week. A judge in Providence, Rhode Island decided to throw the book at Hatch due to it being "very clear" to him that Hatch lied repeatedly through his trial. That, combined with the fact that Hatch just sort of pissed him off.

Hatch, who has been serving time in a jail in Plymouth, Massachusetts since his conviction, was not available for comment. However, Susan Hawk, his former fellow survivor teammate whom he managed to outwit, outplay, and gross-out when he rubbed his pee-pee up against her nu-nu during Survivor All-Stars, was overheard to be one happy camper.

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