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Looking For A Few Good Quotes?


There's an old saying that goes, "Opinions are like assholes....everybody's got one". But nobody is more proud of their assholes, er uh, their opinions, than movie critics. After all, who died and made these people worthy to criticize anything?! There's another old saying that goes, "Those that can't do, teach, and those that can't do anything else, become movie critics". Or something like that. And yet, these same critics constantly have their writings lauded and applauded, and some lucky ones even have their opinions showcased on movie posters!

So, with that in mind, we here at 'I Read It On The Internet.com' - seriously desiring to be taken more seriously - have come up with a new way to attract some much-desired attention in the world of entertainment. We are now offering up our opinions to be picked up and exploited by way of movie reviews. But not just any movies. Just the ones that will no doubt be trashed by those high-and-mighty movie critics. We will therefore review only those movies that will need a little help in the area of critical endorsement. For example, here's our review of the new John Cena movie, 'The Marine':



"Professional wrestler, John Cena has taken the leap from the action-packed wrestling ring to the big screen with his debut as an action figure in the new feature film, 'The Marine', opening October 13th. Attempting to follow in the footsteps of those other athetes-turned-actors, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Dam, Steven Seagal, and Mr. T, Cena takes action to an all new level of boredom. No doubt realizing that his wrestling days are numbered, Cena has made a classic attempt at trying to redefine himself as the latest American Action Hero. Unfortunately, his body may be strong, but his acting is weak. Of course, no one paying to see this movie will expect to see anything remotely approaching anything brilliant. Still, his fans will no doubt turn out en masse to support him. For the rest of us, we can rest assured that Cena will follow in those footsteps of those dumb jocks who attempted to create a cinematic masterpiece, and failed miserably."



Obviously, as much as we'd like to blindly endorse this turkey, we still have our scruples. So, with that in mind, we have devised a way to help those studios promote their lousy movies. For example, here's the same review, only with certain phrases highlighted, for the sheer purpose of movie poster promotion...


"Professional wrestler, John Cena has taken the leap from the action-packed wrestling ring to the big screen..."
...and here's the poster....




Here's another example:

"Attempting to follow in the footsteps of those other athetes-turned-actors, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Dam, Steven Seagal, and Mr. T, Cena takes action to an all new level of boredom."

....and here's the poster....


Still another example...
"No doubt realizing that his wrestling days are numbered, Cena has made a classic attempt at trying to redefine himself as the latest American Action Hero..."





Here's one more....

"Of course, no one paying to see this movie will expect to see anything remotely approaching anything brilliant, still, his fans will no doubt turn out en masse to support him."





And finally....

"For the rest of us, we can rest assured that Cena will follow in those footsteps of those dumb jocks who attempted to create a cinematic masterpiece, and failed miserably."



So, for all of you movie studios who have any turkeys you're preparing to release in the next few weeks, just send us an e-mail. We'll do you up good, with lots of keywords that you can exploit on your posters....just as long as you give the credit where credit us due.


So please, MTPs (Movie Turkey Producers)....Pimp My Writings!










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